The Five Love Languages

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.
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"The Five Love Languages" Can Help You Connect With one Another

Dr. Gary Chapman, Christian counselor and author of "The Five Love Languages", writes about the importance of being able to express love to your spouse in a way that your spouse can understand. He calls this type of communicating using the five love languages.

Chapman's Five Emotional Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation
  This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.

• Quality Time
  Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

• Gifts
  It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

• Acts of Service
  Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

• Physical Touch
  Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.

Determining Your Own Love Language

Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

• How do I express love to others?
  
• What do I complain about the most?
  
• What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."

Emotional Experiences

The number one emotional experience reported by folks is feeling the presence of God in their lives. The emotional high of being in love (which generally lasts around 2 years) is the second highest emotional experience that people reportedly have.

That is why it can be so difficult to try and talk some sense into someone who is in the midst of falling in love. Chapman stated that obsessive love can render people mentally incompetent. "There's not much difference between being in love and being insane."

Fading Tingle and Empty Love Tanks

After the first or second year of marriage, when the initial "tingle" is starting to fade, many couples find that their "love tanks" are empty. They may have been expressing love for their spouse, but in reality they were speaking a different love language. The best way to fill your spouse's love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language. Usually, couples don't have the same love language.

Tank Check

Dr. Chapman recommends that you have a "Tank Check" 3 nights a week for 3 weeks. Ask one another "How is your love tank tonight?" If, on a scale from zero to ten, it is less than 10, then ask "What can I do to help fill it?" Then do it to the best of your ability.

 

 

 

무심코 책장을 넘겼다.

다섯가지 사랑언어다.

 

그 다섯가지는 확신을 주는 언어, 함께있는 시간, 선물, 가정을 돌보는 행동, 신체적 접촉이다.

그런데 나는 남편에게 함께하는 시간이 부족하고 선물이 없어 항상 불만이다.

나의 사랑언어는 함께하는 시간과 사랑하는 이를 위한 선물을 주장하지만

남편은 아침에 쓰레기분리수거를 해 놓고, 집에 윗풍이 세다고 문풍지를 사다가

밤새 붙이고 그것도 부족하여 경칩을 사다가 문이 안열리게 박는다.

이것이 남편의 사랑언어다.

 

채프만은 1주일에 3일을 3주동안 사랑탱크를 체크하고

오늘밤의 사랑탱크는 어땠냐? 서로에게 물으라 한다.

0 에서10까지 척도에서10보다 적다면 무엇으로 탱크를 채워야 하냐?

그리고 하라고 한다.

 

The best way to fill your spouse's love tank is to express love in their love language. Each of us has a primary love language. Usually, couples don't have the same love language. 

배우자의 사랑탱크를 채우는 가장 좋은방법은 그들의 사랑언어로 표현하는 것이다.

우리들 각자는 기본적인 사랑언어를 가졌고 대개 부부는 같은 사랑언어를 가지지는 않는다.

 

남편은 나를 사랑하는 것 같기는 한데 내가 바라는 사랑언어는 아니고

남편이 나에게 바라는 사랑언어 역시 마찬가지인것 같다.

남편는 살림잘하고 아기자기한 여자를 원하지만

난 살림하는 시간이 아까운 여자, 쇼핑하는 시간이 아까운 여자다.

자기가 하고자 하는것에 고집센 여자, 남편이 원하는 여자다운 여자는 아니다.

 

이론은 알지만 우리부부의 사랑언어에는 해답이 없는것 같다.

아이고 머리 아프다.

채워야 하나? 포기해야 하나?

 

 

20070114 희숙